My boss keeps a fully stocked candy bucket in his cube. Torture, right? Especially considering HE NEVER EATS ANY OF IT. He just keeps it there to fatten us up and test our willpower on a daily basis.
The problem is, you can’t tell if my boss is sitting at his desk unless you walk all the way into his cube. There is no easy way to see if the coast is clear and to snatch a piece without judgment.
There are 3 ways around this:
1. The Shameless Method: Just walk right in like you own the place and take a piece of candy without shame.
2. The Stalker Method: Wait until you are SURE that boss has left his cube and walked into a conference room/down the hall/up the stairs, then dart in and out as if you’re on a secret mission to confiscate those mini twix from communist Russia, etc.
3. The Scared Nerd Method: See if boss is idle on our inter-office messenger. If he’s at his desk, his status is green. If he’s idle, then he’s not at his computer. If he’s offline, well, that’s a gamble: He’s either gone home, or signed off of messenger while still sitting in his cubicle.
My coworker and I have the following conversation at least once a day:
Me: Have you seen Boss?
Coworker: I think he just went to the bathroom.
Me: You THINK?!?
Coworker: Yeah but he might be upstairs. Or he might have made a lap, and now he’s back in his cube. I’m not sure.
Me: DAMMIT!!! Is he online?
Coworker: Let me check…it says he’s idle.
Me: Go! Grab me a twix!
Coworker: It’s every man for himself!
(P.S. My coworker is a dude.)
If you do end up braving the candy dash and grabbing a piece, the crazy cat lady who sits in the next cube over and is a lifetime member of Weight Watchers, upon hearing the crinkle of the candy bucket, will stand up and proclaim:
“Don’t do it, Anne! Don’t eat the candy! THAT’S 3 POINTS!!!”
To which I respond:
“Listen up, you nosy bitch. I want this piece of candy, I NEED this piece of candy, and if I don’t get a smidge of chocolately goodness inside of my body in the next 30 seconds, I’m going to kill someone, because I just got my 8th nastygram of the day, and the coffee machine is out of beans, and it’s overcast outside so I can’t see the sky, and I don’t CARE how many fake “points” it costs me because I AM NOT ON WEIGHT WATCHERS!!!”
In real life, I just mumble under my breath, “don’t judge me, Becky.” And I sit down and enjoy a delicious mini twix bar.
That is gone in 2.5 seconds.