Pilot Review: Ringer, aka I Want Buffy Back

Ringer is the new CW show starring Sarah Michelle Gellar as twins, one who is a gritty drug-using ex-stripper and the other a bitchy Manhattan socialite.  I’m going to recap the Pilot episode for anybody who cares.  You’ll know by the end of this post if I intend to keep watching this show or not.  I was a rabid Buffy fan, so I hope this show lives up to SMG’s standards.  Here goes nothing!

*SPOILERS BELOW, obviously.  This is a recap after all.*

Creepy warehouse, preppy SMG creeping around.  Everybody who had that boombox in the 90’s knows that if she’d really bumped into it like that, she would’ve popped open the CD player, not turned it on.

SMG says she is Bridget as if she’s not sure which twin she’s currently playing.  Requisite I can’t handle my family joke, har har har!  Oooh hot AA sponsor.  She looks strung out, not tired.  They flirt over cookies.

Double Nickel Motel.  That’s not obvious at all.  Bridget is a witness to a crime, and Ageless Richard Alpert is going to protect her.  Oh!  Stripper dismemberment murder trial.  I take it Bridget was a stripper then?  Her bodyguard is a tad bit lurky-creepy.  Oh snap, Bridget is gone and her bodyguard is tied up in the bathroom.

Clean cut SMG hangs at a local bar.  Is it Siobhan?  That cop seriously freaked the eff out when the fancy twin forgot her wallet.  Sisters see each other for the first time in 6 years at a bus stop.  Not cliché at all.  Fancy contemporary house on the beach, lots of Parent Trap twinsies going on.  Fancy sis’s husband doesn’t know about the bad twin.  That’s 2 Lost references now.  Bridget is apologizing for *something* to do with *someone* named Sean.  If this is anything like Lost, we’ll find out in another 6 years.

Bridget and her sponsor were *close* but not that close because he doesn’t know where she is.  They need her to testify as the sole witness to a murder or the stripper killer goes free.

WORST.  EFFECTS.  EVER.  I realize it’s probably hard to replicate a motorboat ride, but this is awesomely bad.  Bridget used to strip but now she waitresses.  To put herself through college, probably.  All of a sudden Bridget is waking up alone in said boat.  That was fast.  We’re 10 minutes in and Siobhan already went overboard.

Commercial #1!

Wide shot of the Empire State Building, fancy sister gets back from the Hamptons.  Which sister is it?  I’m already confused, which doesn’t bode well.  It takes a special kind of douche to see a giant painting of their face every time they walk in the door.  The guy from Fantastic Four is British?  That’s unexpected.  Bridget calls hot sponsor and tells him that Siobhan committed suicide and she took her place.  She’s the only one who knows, except for hot sponsor now.  She hangs up when Sexy Stranger appears on the street, she gets in bed, hubby looks uber confused.

If were pretending to be your twin who just killed herself, wouldn’t you cancel all of your appointments, so as to avoid awkward IS THAT BLOSSOM?!  No.  Never mind.  Alt-Blossom thinks her husband is having an affair…is her husband Sexy Stranger?

Opera, more bad graphics, more SS lurking around.  Briobhan orders water from her now doting husband, and SS is getting uber obvious.  SS ambush-kisses her.

Commercial #2!

SS and Briobhan have a super awkward conversation about how they’ve been affairing forever and haven’t seen each other in a week.  SS wants to see her again soon and she’s trying to get out of it but she sucks at it.  Uncomfortableness for everyone.

Husband and wife aren’t “cool,” he was pretending to love her for appearance’s sake.  Hubby is playing by Siobhan’s rules.  Briobhan wants to quit the games and be nice for real.  Hubs asks her who she is.  DUN DUN DUN.  Hubs loves the new relaxed Siobhan but he doesn’t believe that it’s real.  Burrrrrn.

According to the picture in the jewelry box, Mystery Sean is Siobhan’s presumed son.  I’m assuming Bridget accidentally killed him?  Now…Briobhan is at AA?  WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?!?

Briobhan comes home to teenage sex, I’m guessing that’s her stepdaughter because kid HATES Briobhan, something about boarding school…girl is super bitchy on the house phone (house phone?) when it rings.  She buzzes someone in.  IT’S RICHARD ALPERT!  Score.

Commercial #3.

Alpert asks Briobhan if she’s ever been to Wyoming, clearly he thinks she’s Siobhan.  They go to the park and talk.  Briobhan doesn’t tell her that she’s…well, Bridget.

Creepy stripper murderer is not doing a very good job of creeping while watching hot sponsor.

Alt-Blossom tells Briobhan that she doesn’t know who her husband is creeping around with.  Lots of creeping on this show.  Briobhan then goes to meet SS, but just to talk, to try to talk him out of the affair they’ve been having.

Hubs is yelling at stepdaughter for something.  She leaves.  Briobhan gets a call from a doctor that tells her she’s 4 weeks preggo, presumably with SS’s baby.  Probably not her husband’s.  Whoops.

Commercial #4!  Or maybe 5?  I might have forgotten one.  Sidenote, I’d rather be watching Nikita.

The baby IS Sexy Stranger’s.  He wants Briobhan to leave hubs for him, or they’re over.  She says they’re over.

Stepdaughter got kicked out of boarding school for coke.  If she got kicked out for coke…then why didn’t they confiscate the coke?  Briobhan says stepdaughter can’t stay there, because obvs, she has some sweet drugs and Bridget has no willpower.

Alt-Blossom asks Briobhan to meet her at the loft because she knows who SS is having the affair with.  And now homeslice is creeping around, ready to kill Briobhan, and we’re back to the opening scene.  Fight ensues, you have the wrong girl, but who is he looking for?  Briobhan says she’s not Bridget and shoots homeslice.  But he had a picture of Siobhan in his pocket.  So Gemma tried to get Siobhan killed.

PAN TO REAL SIOBHAN.  She wanted Bridget killed?  And wanted to make it look like SHE’D been killed?  But Siobhan doesn’t know that Bridget is a wanted woman, so if fake Siobhan/real Bridget is dead then everyone will think that real Siobhan is real Bridget, who is currently missing…my brain hurts.

I’m still undecided.  This would probably be less confusing if I hadn’t also watched the pilot for ABC Family’s The Lying Game, which is pretty much the same show set in high school.  If you watched it, what did you think of Ringer?

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