Middle Child Birthday: A Memoir

I woke up this morning feeling hungover, which is strange, because I really didn’t drink enough last night to merit feeling like crap when I woke up.  I figured that it was probably a sugar hangover.  Here’s what I ate on my birthday:

Yeah, that explains it.  I think October will be the month of fresh fruit binging.  Starting…tomorrow.

So last night, hubs and I met my family at a local frozen yogurt and cupcake shop to celebrate our birthdays (he was born 4 days before me, thus the combined celebration).  We got some really awesome and thoughtful gifts from everyone, and it was so great to spend some time with my mom and siblings during a hectic work week.  One gift in particular stuck out to me though, and it is too funny not to share it with you:

My younger sister (by 2 years and 355 days) got me Jodie Sweetin’s autobiography, unSweetined.  You may remember Jodie from her (only) role on Full House as Stephanie Tanner, the middle of the three Tanner sisters.  And the one who grew up and had a whole bunch of issues.  Like, batshit crazy stuff happened to this chick, such as meth, and…well I think that’s pretty much it.  Girl, if the Olsen Twins can make it, then you have no excuses!  Still though, I can’t wait to read about all the gory details, now that I’m finally done with the last Dragon Tattoo book.  Even though I’m pretty sure my sister gave it to me as a joke.


Get Away From Me, Cat With Two Faces!

One time, when I was in high school, someone at our church brought a litter of kittens to the youth building.  I was holding what I thought was a sweet, innocent little kitty, petting it and whispering sweet nothings into its little kitty ear, telling it things like you don’t look like you would bite me, I bet you like to snuggle, so what if my dad is deathly allergic, maybe I can sneak you into my house and we can be best buddies.

When I was done smothering snuggling said kitten, I peeled it and it’s tiny claws away from my shirt to hand it off to someone else, but the kitten was not ready to let go and it STUCK ITS CLAW INTO MY NECK.

Granted, there was no blood, but that kitten had its claw stuck in the skin on my neck for a solid 30 seconds before someone graciously pulled the damn thing out of me.  Thus, I am scarred for life.  Which is why this is pretty much my worst nightmare.


Why Do You Hate Me So Much, Kate Middleton?

Kate Middleton doesn’t get out much, but when she does, she always looks impeccably put together.  She’s very pretty, not in a drop-dead-gorgeous-I-wish-I-had-your-face kind of way, but in a that-girl-who-used-to-babysit-us-when-our-parents-went-out-to-dinner-was-always-really-nice-looking kind of way.  She’s not cutting edge in the fashion sense, but she makes simple, well-made clothes look fancy and polished, which is not always easy to do.  The world could use more crew-neck sheath dresses (hint hint, Kardashians!).  Here are some of my favorite Kate ensembles, William included, as necessary.

THIS. COAT.  By Alexander McQueen, meaning it will never ever ever make its way into my closet.  ALSO.  Look at her face.  She’s the Jimmy Fallon of the royal family.  Or maybe she was sneezing, I don’t know.  Do princesses have allergies?

Who makes a military-inspired jacket and a BERET work the way she does?  WHO?!?  Nobody.  And look at her: even she knows this is true.

I love this plungey purple dress that Kate wore during their tour in Canada, but what I mostly love is the way she’s looking at William…probably because he’s sans tie and sans the first few buttons of his shirt.  Hubba hubba.

This one is a fave, not because of her outfit, but because of her bag.  LOOK AT THAT THING!  I’m obsessed.  For those of you who think Kate only shops at places like Zara and Topshop, let me burst your bubble.  This is a Mulberry Polly Push Lock bag, and it retails for $1300.  Also, her hair.  Looking at her hair, and then considering my own, it’s like, Why bother? You’ll never have hair as nice as Kate Middleton’s.  None of us will.  Except for my friend Amanda who lives in Miami with her exotic South American husband.  What are the rest of us even doing with our lives?!?

Even when Kate is walking on the beach wearing rain boots, she looks chic.  I don’t look this polished when I go to work, on a good day.  Not even in this ballpark.  And when I wear rain boots, they have sweatpants stuffed into them, and I have a hood pulled over my head and I’m probably bra-less because I just rolled out of bed at 6:00 a.m. and Buster had to pee and it’s raining and we don’t have a fenced in backyard so I had to suck it up and walk him outside. Like all the other peasants.

I, as a former college crew team member, would also like to point out that people who row do not wear these kinds of clothes.  Rowing outfits involve lots of spandex, really thick socks, nasty river water and regret.  Not adorable boat shoes and dangly earrings and skinny jeans that fit like a glove.  There aren’t any princes either.  Unless you row at Oxford, probably.

Lastly, this is Kate today in England at the opening of a children’s hospital.  There’s been a lot of speculation lately that Kate is pregnant, but in my totally non-professional opinion, there is NO WAY that she has a baby inside of her.  Kate is skinny as all get out, and if her eggo was preggo, she would not look like she does in this dress.

In conclusion, I really, truly appreciate how Kate has brought some sophistication into the modern, tabloid-driven world of fashion.  I just wish that in doing so, she didn’t make me feel so bad about myself.

The End.