There’s a story floating around today about how John Mayer is still devastated that he lost Jennifer Aniston, “the one that got away”, two and a half years ago. But the best part of the blurb is when they say that John Mayer is “now spending his time gorging on pizza bites, Hot Pockets and Smucker’s Uncrustables.”
Nobody gorges themselves on Smucker’s Uncrustables…please tell me I’m right on this one.
*Try not to be jealous of my kick-ass MSPaint skills
The pizza bites, well, I totally understand that. When I relocated for work back in 2007 to a city where I would live alone, not know a soul, and hide in my apartment every time there was a home game during football season (I was in SEC country, and I’m still scared), I took great comfort in my friends and confidants, Pizza Rolls. Good God those things were heavenly. Also, terrible for you. I ate a lot of Pizza Rolls during that time. Do I regret it? A little bit. Would I have traded them for real-live human friends? …Probably.
My only thoughts on Hot Pockets are eloquently summed up by Jim Gaffigan:
“I was looking at a box of hot pockets and they have a warning on the side. It’s like ‘Warning! You just bought Hot Pockets! Hope you’re drunk or heading home to a trailer! You hillbilly! Enjoy the next NASCAR event!'”
Sidenote: When I relocated, I was told by my new boss to pick a favorite NASCAR driver, so I would have something to talk to my new coworkers about. I politely declined.
My general thoughts on John Mayer are as follows: His music used to be super catchy and feel-good, and then it got kinda sad and depressing, and then he tried too hard to be bluesy, and now he’s kind of an ass-hat. I ignored his public persona for a long time, and continued to buy his music, but these days I really struggle to give him my money on iTunes. Which is a shame because I’ve been seeing him in concert in Atlanta since before his first album came out. Oh well.